SpiderJeff
by DragonRaiderX9
Summary: After an accident at the Winters Lab, Jeff acquires the powers of Spiderman! But with the world turning to insanity, can his sarcastic nonchalance help him survive?
1. The Theme Song

Whoo! This is my first fanfiction ever. But hopefully not the last.

I don't own Earthbound or Spider Man

**Prologue**

Spider-Jeff…Spider-Jeff

Does whatever a spider can

Spins a web…any size

Catches thieves…just like flies

Look out!

Here comes the Spider-Jeff!

Is he strong…listen bud

He's got radioactive blood

Can he swing…from a thread

Take a look…overhead

Hey there!

There goes the Spider-Jeff!

In the chill of night

At the scene of the crime

Like a stream of light

He arrives just in time!

Spider-Jeff…Spider-Jeff

Friendly neighborhood Spider-Jeff

Wealth and fame…he's ignored

Action is his reward

To him…

Life is a great big bang up

Wherever there's a hang up

You'll find the Spider-Jeff!

Sorry for the short chapter, I'll have the next one posted soon


	2. Superheroes

Well, time for my first real chapter.

_"Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull"_ Something that looked like a giant skull caught on fire appeared.

Huh? What are you?

"I am Floating Skull. I am your muse"

Muse? I didn't ask for any muse.

Floating Skull: "The Society of Fanfictions decided that your first chapter was so bad, you need a muse to help you write better"

What?! The idea of the Spider-Jeff theme song was brilliant.

Flt. Sk.: "Be that as it may, Floating Skull is still required to assist you."

Fine, if you're my muse, then do the disclaimer and stop talking in 3rd person.

Flt. Sk.: "DragonRaiderX9 does not own Earthbound, Spiderman, or any other copyrighted character that appears in this fiction.

-

**Chapter One: Superheroes**

Jeff and his friends, Ness, Paula, and Poo, were sharing an afternoon over at the Giant Step.

"Why are we here again?" asked Paula.

Ness sighed. "I told you, some big kid wants to beat me up so I'm hiding from him."

Poo stared at Ness strangely. "Did it occur to you that you have psychic powers and could easily kick any kid's butt no matter how big he is?"

"Oh yeah."

Poo turned to Paula. "I can't believe you used to date him."

Paula smirked. "Why do think I stopped, he's a total idiot"

Ness looked furious. "Hey, that's not true, Ness not stupid!" Everyone looked at him strangely, except for Jeff, who was over by himself doing something.

Poo grinned. "You're right, Ness. You're not stupid…you're just a moron."

"Quiet, Poo!" shouted Ness. "At least my name doesn't make people have to use the bathroom!"

Poo was taken aback. "How dare you! Poo is an honorable name in my kingdom."

"Yeah, the kingdom of toilets. And when you grow up, you're gonna marry toilet paper, won't you Bathroom Boy?"

"Bathroom Boy?!!"

"Yeah, that's your new nickname, Bathroom Boy."

"Why you little!!"

"ENOUGH!!" shouted Paula. "You're both acting like little kids. And Jeff, what exactly are you doing over there?"

Ness, Paula, and Poo walk over to Jeff to find him reading an issue of Batman.

"Batman? He's so lame." scoffed Paula. "Now Wonder Woman. She's a real hero"

"Nuh-uh!" cried Jeff. "Batman's so cool with all his gadgets."

"Ha!" laughed Poo. "The Green Arrow relies on his wits and skills to defeat bad guys. Not petty gadgets."

The three promptly get into a large (and loud) argument over which hero is the best. Suddenly, Ness shouts, "Stop!!" All three of his friends stop talking and look at him. "Look, I know we all like different superheroes. But I think we can all agree that the greatest hero is Spiderman." To this, they all agree, which is not something that happens often. But then, a voice rings out.

"No way!!" They all turn to see Pokey in the air, wearing a jet pack. "Spiderman is nothing compared to Superman! And I shall prove it, right after I exact my revenge on you."

Jeff raised his eyebrow. "How? We creamed you last time."

-Flashback-

Heavily Armed Pokey fires a beam…narrowly missing hitting the target.

Jeff fires the Multi Bottle Rocket…1367 damage to Heavily Armed Pokey.

Heavily Armed Pokey was totally scrapped.

-End Flashback-

"Wait," said Pokey. "That's not how it happened."

Ness shrugged. "Yeah, but the author's too lazy to recount your boring dialogue."

Pokey looked shocked. "But that dialogue was some of the most important! It told you about Giygas' true form."

Paula frowned. "Who cares, we still whooped up on both of you anyway. And by the way…how can that tiny jet pack carry all of your weight?"

"How dare you mock me! I will return with the powers of Superman, and destroy you all! Mwuhahahahahahaha!" And then he flew away.

Jeff sweatdropped. "Powers of Superman…riiiiiiiiiiiight." Suddenly, Jeff's cell phone rang. He answered it. A minute later, he hung up and turned to his friends. "Sorry guys, gotta go. My dad…I mean, Dr. Andonuts, needs me for an experiment." Jeff hopped in the Sky Runner and flew off to Winters.

Paula shook her head. "Why does he try and hide that Dr. Andonuts is his father? It's not like we don't already know."

Ness sighed, again. "Well, guess it's just me, Paula, and Bathroom Boy."

"KEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" screeched Poo as he assaulted Ness with a crushing chop.

-

Well, that's it for now. What did you think, please Review.

Flt. Sk.: "Floating Skull thinks it most horrendous thing he ever read."

Shut up! And what did I say about talking in 3rd person.


	3. Of Gamma Rays and Doughnuts

Okay, lets keep things moving and continue with the fic, right Floating Skull?

Flt Sk: _Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

Right…anyway, if you havent figured out that I dont own this crap by now, then Floating Skull will come and devour your brain.

Flt Sk: _Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

-

**Chapter 2: Of Gamma Rays and Doughnuts**

Jeff, in the Sky Runner, returns to Dr. Andonuts lab in Winters. He was having a few technical difficulties.

"Gyhaaa! I cant operate this landing gear. Oh well, I guess Ill just set course for the lab and hope for the best," he said, basically giving Murphy's Law the middle finger.

The Sky Runner went through the opening in the roof to land.

_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!_

Jeff, now covered with soot, stood amongst the smoldering wreckage once known as the Sky Runner.

Dr. Andonuts walked over, shaking his head. "Jeff, one of these days you're gonna have to learn how to pilot that thing. Thats the twentieth time this has happened." He sighed, then called, "Alfred!!"

The cave man that had been there since they fought Shroom! for some reason hobbled over. "Yes, master Andonuts."

"Could you please fix the Sky Runner. And capitalize the word Master when talking to me."

"Yes, Master Andonuts," and promptly began fixing the Sky Runner.

Jeff just stared blankly at this exchange. "I'm not even gonna touch that one."

"Anyway," continued Dr. Andonuts. "I called you here for a very important experiment."

"I know, you moron, you told me over the phone"

"Oh yeah. Now see these two weird thingies that look like giant guns pointing towards each other?"

"Yeah," nodded Jeff.

"Well, were gonna shoot gamma rays between the two of them."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm really bored and wanted to do something radioactive."

"Thats it! You called me away from my friends for that!"

"Uhh…yeah."

"Thanks, they were starting to annoy me."

Dr. Andonuts grinned. "Let the dangerous and probably illegal experiment begin!!!!" and flipped a switch.

The two 'giant guns' started shooting gamma rays at each other. Everything was going fine until, unbeknownst to Jeff and his dad, a spider came down a thread and got zapped by the rays.

The spider, predictably, fell to the floor and crawled over to Jeff. It crawled up his leg and bit him where the sun dont shine.

"Ahhhhh!!" cried Jeff.

Dr. Andonuts rushed over to his son. "Whats wrong?"

"Something bit my butt!"

"You're a wuss."

Jeff was about to respond when a strange figure appeared from out of the gamma rays.

The odd-looking man spoke. "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!"

Dr. Andonuts faced him. "Yeah, yeah. Lord…I got it, now quit talking in all caps."

"NEVER. FOR I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!" He grabs a box of doughnuts off a table. "I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL DOUGHNUTS! NOW I SHALL CONQUER THIS PATHETIC WOR…!"

Dr. A.: "GIMME BACK MY DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord Voldemort attacks.

Dr. A.

HP 235

PP 0

Lord Voldemort calls for help…Hyper Spinning Robo appears.

Dr. Andonuts charged forward…32 points of damage to Lord Voldmort.

Dr. A.

HP 235

PP 0

Lord Voldemort calls for help…Nuclear Reactor Robot appears.

Hyper Spinning Robo fires a beam…35 points of damage to Dr. Andonuts.

Dr. Andonuts charged forward…472 points of damage to Hyper Spinning Robo.

Hyper Spinning Robo stops moving.

Dr. A.

HP 200

PP 0

Lord Voldemort muttered something…all but 1 of his Hit Points were converted into Psychic Points.

Nuclear Reactor Robot replenished a fuel supply…Lord Voldemorts Hit Points are maxed out.

Dr. Andonuts throws a doughnut…792 points of damage to Nuclear Reactor Robot.

Nuclear Reactor Robot burst into flames…368 points of damage to Dr. Andonuts.

Dr. A.

HP 1

PP 0

**Flt. Sk.**: "S_TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP_!! Floating Skull notes an inconsistency. Dr. Andonuts had 200 HP left and took 368 points of damage. How is Dr. Andonuts still alive?!!"

**DRX9**: "Simple, Guts. You see, in Earthbound™, when a character takes mortal damage, they will sometimes survive with 1 Hit Point remaining. The odds of this happening depends on your Guts. Its like what that mole at Peaceful Rest Valley tells you. Check your Guts on the Status Menu.

**Flt. Sk.**: "Oh…carry on. _Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!!_"

-The fight continues-

Dr. A.

HP 1

PP 0

Lord Voldemort taunts Dr. Andonuts with a doughnut…Dr. Andonuts gets pissed off.

Dr. Andonuts charges forward…

_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!_

99999999999999999999999999999999999 points of damage to Lord Voldemort.

Lord Voldemort disappears in a puff of smoke.

**YOU WON!**

Dr. Andonuts got 395729 exp. points.

Lord Voldemort left behind a present. Inside was a Box of Doughnuts. Dr. Andonuts takes it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Andonuts sighed, "Whew, that was close. I almost lost my doughnuts."

Jeff tingles. "I feel funny." He then sees the glowing spider crawl away. Its apparently been attached to his butt the whole time.

Dr. Andonuts gasps. "Jeff, you got bitten by a radioactive spider."

"Geez, thats corny. Thats exactly what happened to Peter Parker."

"Yeah, yeah…anyway, check to see if you have Spiderman powers."

Jeff shot a large web at a table full of beakers. They break, stuff spills, no one cares.

Jeff shouts with joy. "WOOHOO! I have Spiderman powers!"

Dr. Andonuts beams at Jeff. "Well, son. Are you going to use your newfound powers to fight crime and help mankind?"

"Screw that! I'm gonna go show of to my friends!"

"You mean Stupid Kid, Psycho Chick, and Bathroom Boy."

Jeff nodded, "Thats them. Well, I'm off." He shoots a webline out of the hole in the ceiling. "SPIDER-JEFF, AWAY!!!" and swings off.

"I wonder if he'll ever realize that its impossible to swing all the to Onett," Dr. Andonuts mutters to himself.

Alfred comes over to Dr. Andonuts. "Master Andonuts, the Sky Runner is complete."

"Good, now that Jeff no longer needs it, I can use it for myself."

"Master Andonuts, if I may be so bold. Do not you think you should have turned off the gamma rays by now?"

"Aw, crap…"

-

Whew! Writing fanfictions is hard work, but its worth it.

Flt. Sk.: "Floating Skull wants to know who Lord Voldemort is."

He's the bad guy from the Harry Potter books. And quit the 3rd person. Well, anyway, please **_Review_**, or Ill have Floating Skull fire his Floating Beam at you.

Flt. Sk.: "_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_"


	4. Midgets and Muses

It's been a few days but I'm ready for the new chapter, right Floating Skull?

…

…Floating Skull?

…

Hey! Floating Skull, where are you!?

…

Oh, well. I don't own Earthbound, Spiderman, blah, blah, blah.

-

Chapter 3: Midgets and Muses 

Back in Onett; Ness, Paula, and Poo decided to go the Arcade.

"Ya notice how this is the only town that has an arcade, town hall, library, and police station?" asked Paula.

"Yeah, I wonder how the other towns keep law and order?" asked Ness.

"They probably send annoying people to annoying places like Saturn Valley or Twoson," replied Poo.

"Excuse me?!!" exclaimed Paula. "I happen to live in Twoson."

Poo grinned. "Case in point."

"Why you little toilet cleaning son of a…"

"Hey, we're here," intervened Ness. The trio was about to enter the Arcade when Ness screamed like a little sissy baby.

(**A/N** Thank you Millis Lane)

"What? What is it?" said Paula worriedly.

"It's that kid I thought would beat me up," Ness said, pointing to a kid down the street.

Poo sighed, "He's not bigger than you.

Ness: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" and falls into a fetal position.

"Well Paula, I guess it's up to you."

"No way! I recognize that punk. He looked up my dress once and snapped a picture. It was all around Eagleland. No way I'm getting near that pervert!"

"That was kinda funny."

"NO IT WASN'T!!!!!" screamed Paula, knocking Poo flat on his back. "Why don't you beat him up?!"

"Because I am a prince. It wouldn't do for me to harm a child, especially in a foreign land." said Poo, standing up.

"Well, who's gonna beat him up? Ness is in a fetal position, I'm wearing a dress, and you're too noble."

Poo stood erect and spoke in a deep, manly voice. "There's only one man brave enough, shameless enough, and wearing pants capable of defeating this menace."

Paula stared in awe. "You mean…"

"Look!" shouted Ness, apparently up from his fetal position. "What's that?"

The being swung down from a rope that seemed to be suspended in midair. "I am Spider-Jeff!!"

"Oooo!!!" shouted Ness. "A new superhero with the powers of Spiderman!"

"I wonder who he his?" asked Paula.

Spider-Jeff sweatdropped. "Never mind. What seems to be the trouble?"

"That little kid is scaring my wimpy friend," said Poo.

"And he took a picture of my underwear, while I was wearing them," shrieked Paula. Loud, obnoxious hooting could be heard in the background.

"I'll put a stop to that!" exclaimed Spider-Jeff. He walks over to the little kid. "Young man, I must ask you to stop pestering my friends."

The kid scowled. "Make me, four-eyes."

Spider-Jeff gritted his teeth. "That's it!" he yelled. He knocked the kid to the ground and started kicking him.

Suddenly, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mick Foley, and Triple H ran up to Spider-Jeff.

"Hey man, you can't just beat up a kid like that!" said Triple H

"It's punks like you that give people like us a bad name!" yelled Steve Austin.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mick Foley. "This isn't a kid. It's a midget!! You can tell by the beard and the armpit hair!"

"Well, in that case…" said The Rock. "YA GOTTA KICK HARDER!!!!!!!!" and the wrestlers and Spider-Jeff start kicking the midget. Soon, Paula, Poo, and even Ness join in.

This continued until the midget started glowing and floating in midair.

The wrestlers stood in shock. "Well," said Austin. "This is where our cameo ends. "Later." And the wrestlers leave.

"Wha…what are you?!!!" yelled Poo.

"I…" said the midget in a deep, raspy voice. "AM…_FLOATING _

_SKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

"Floating Skull?" said Paula. "Isn't he the muse?"

(**A/N** You're dang right he's the muse!)

**Flt. Sk.**: "Floating Skull has come to destroy you. That way, DragonRaiderX9 will have to write about something else."

Ness: "What about Pointless Arguments? And why is your name bolded?"

**Flt. Sk.**: "Floating Skull shall attack that later. And my name is bolded because I'm on the Author Team. For now, I shall destroy Spider-Jeff." And with that, he charges Spider-Jeff.

Spider-Jeff dodges and shoots a web blast at Floating Skull. Unfortunately, it burns up in Floating Skull's flames.

**Flt. Sk.**: "HA! Your puny powers are no match for Floating Skull. Now fear the wrath of my Floating Beam."

Spider-Jeff: "What's the Floating Beam?"

**Flt. Sk.**: "Observe, puny mortals. _Floating BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_" and he shot a huge ray of intense flame at The Chosen.

Ness&Paula&Jeff&Poo: "AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

After the smoke cleared, The Chosen were lying on the ground, barely conscious. Ness managed to stand up, but then he noticed that his hat had been burned to a crisp. Ness narrowed his eyes.

"You…" said Ness softly. "First, you take a perverted picture of my ex-girlfriends. Then you scare me nearly to death. Then you scared away my favorite wrestlers. But now you destroyed my hat. Now you've gone…TOO…FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Ness goes into Frenzy Mode and attacks Floating Skull…99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999 points of damage to Floating Skull

Floating Skull was defeated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Flt. Sk.**: "I'LL BE BACK!!!" and he disappears.

"Ness," said Poo from his spot on the ground. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. But you guys look like you've been better." Ness uses Psychic Lifeup Omega. His friends rise from the ground.

"Well young citizens…" said Spider-Jeff. "I will see you again."

"But who are you?" asked Paula. "I know I've seen you before. Green jacket and pants, white undershirt, big glasses, and blonde hair."

"Nope," said Ness. "Doesn't sound like anyone I've ever met."

Spider-Jeff sweatdropped again. "I'm just you're friendly neighborhood Spider-Jeff." He shot a webline up to the sky and swung off. Ness, Paula, and Poo stood there in awe.

"Say, Ness." said Poo. "What are you going to do about your hat?"

"What's to do? I have a whole bunch of those hats in my closet."

"But that was you're favorite."

"I say that about all my hats."

"But you saved the world in that hat."

"Nah, I put that hat in a box so I can wear it on special occasions."

"Like what?"

"Like my prom."

"Your prom?"

"Yeah, it would help in getting a date. It would be like this, 'Hey, wanna go to the prom with me? This is the hat I saved the world in.' and she'd swoon."

"…right, somehow I think that pick up line will be less than…what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Appealing?" said Paula.

"Right," replied Poo. "Less that appealing."

"Ah, you guys are just jealous," said Ness with his hands on his hips.

Paula and Poo roll their eyes. Then they continue into the Arcade.

However, someone was watching. And this someone didn't quite like Spider-Jeff or his friends.

**Who is this strange character? Will he spell doom for Spider-Jeff and The Chosen?**

**Find out on the next exciting chapter of _Spider-Jeff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

-

Flt. Sk.: "Floating Skull cannot believe he was defeated."

Well, serves you right for interfering with _MY _fanfiction.

Mysterious Voice: "It seems that your current author team sucks."

Who said that?!!

M. V.: "It was I" The figure stepped into the light to reveal his true form

Ivan!!??

Flt. Sk.: "Who is this Ivan?"

Ivan is a Jupiter (wind) Adept from Golden Sun.

Ivan: "That's right. I have come to join your team and make you mighty."

Okay, from now on, you'll be my newest muse. Prepare yourself for the initiation.

Ivan: "Initiation?" (looks nervous)

Relax, I'm just going to zap you with author energy. (Raises hand) FEEL THE POWER!!!!

Ivan: "I FEEL THE POWER!!!!"

Okay, it's official. Ivan, you are now my muse.

Ivan: "Excellent" (doing that Mr. Burns thing with his fingers)

Flt. Sk. "_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!!_"

Ivan: "So I'm a muse now. How a-_muse_-ing."

DRX9 & Flt. Sk.: "_NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!_"


	5. The Skelpion, part 1

Sorry it's been so long. One of my stories got taken down and I couldn't upload for a while.

Flt. Sk.: "You deserved it. Your story was terrible. It made Floating Skull want to cry. And Floating Skull never cries."

Ivan: I agree with DRX9, the 3rd person talking kinda ticks me off.

Thanks Ivan, glad that someone's finally on my side. I don't own Earthbound or Spiderman.

-

**Chapter 4: The Skelpion, part 1**

After the incident at the arcade, The Chosen went on a trip to discover the true identity of Spider-Jeff. Little did they know, he walked among them. They're really stupid. Their search brought them to The Big Banana, otherwise known as Fourside.

"Man," said Ness. "Them buildings be real tall."

Paula smacked Ness in the back of the head. "Talk right, you stupid hat lover."

Ness yanked the hat off his head and held it to his heart. "WHO TOLD YOU???!!!!" he shrieked at the top of his lungs.

Jeff sighed, "Man, you're stupid."

"Ness isn't stupid," said Poo. "He's just really absent minded."

"Yeah," Jeff smirked. "He's so absent minded that he forgot to wear clothes."

Ness looked down, then screamed like a banshee.

Poo looked disappointed. "Aw, Jeff, why'd you ruin it? I was wondering how long it would take him to notice."

Paula grinned. "Yeah, that would've been fun to keep up."

Ness stopped screaming and noticed that no one else was freaking out. He got very confused. Which is interesting because he's rarely not confused.

"Hey guys, how come no one's freaking out?" inquired Ness.

Jeff was the first to answer. "Well, besides the fact that we had since Twoson to get used to it, I look at everything in a scientific way. I've been taking this time to study the human body structure."

Ness gave him an odd look. He then turned to Poo. "How 'bout you Poo? You're foreign, you must not be used to things like this."

Poo smiled. "First of all, with you, I'm used to anything. Remember when your thoughts appeared in Lumine Hall?" Ness grinned sheepishly. "And second, I am not bothered because I am a Master of Nothing!"

"Well, I could've told you that." Muttered Ness under his breath. Out loud, he said, "Well, Paula, that leaves you. You're a girl, why aren't you freaking out?"

"Meh," said Paula. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."

"Hold on!" exclaimed Jeff. "You two used to date. Does that mean that you and he...?"

"NO WAY!!!!!" screamed Paula. "There's no way I'd ever do something like that with _him_. Just look at him, he's not good looking."

Poo cocked an eyebrow. "In what way?"

"Does it matter?" Paula said blankly.

Poo glanced at Ness, then turned back to Paula. "No, I guess not."

Jeff sighed. "And people wonder why this fic got raised to PG-13."

"Anyway," continued Paula. "What I meant was that there's nothing on Ness that I didn't see when my dad boycotted pants." She looks at Ness again. "Except for that!!!!"

"What is that!?" inquired Jeff.

"It is like nothing I have ever seen before," said Poo.

"Oh, this?" said Ness, pointing to the thing in question. "There's a long story attached to that. It all started..."

_WE INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!_

An unusual looking man looks at the screen. "Are we on? Oh!" (clears throat) "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, PRINCE OF ALL DOUGHNUTS! YOU PUNY MORTALS THOUGHT I DIED BACK IN CHAPTER 2, BUT YOU WERE WRONG! I HAVE RETURNED TO EXACT MY VENG...HEY LOOK, A NICKEL! (Dives to the floor) OUCHIES!!!!!! I HIT MY HEAD ON THE NICKEL! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!" and he proceeds to keep crying.

_Thank you, we now return to the previously scheduled program, already in progress._

"...and that's the story," finished Ness. His friends stood in shock.

"Wow..."

"Amazing..."

"I think I'm gonna barf..."

"Anyway," said Jeff, having recovered from the story. "What happened to your clothes?"

Ness grinned. "I sold them to some loser for $7500."

Paula shook her head. "What kind of whacked out psycho would pay that much for your clothes?"

-Meanwhile-

In a small house in Happy Happy Village, a man sat stroking a blue and yellow striped shirt and a pair of blue shorts, along with some underwear.

"It's all right, my precioussssssssss," said Mr. Carpainter. "We'll never be separated again."

-Back in Fourside-

"Who cares?" said Ness, shrugging. "At least I made back all the money I spent on the broken house in Onett."

"Yeah," said Poo. "Well we're about to invest some of that money towards some new clothes."

"Wait," said Paula. "I want to finish up what I was saying by stating that I never looked at Ness in that way."

Ness smirked. "Of course, I looked at _her_ in that way."

"Why you little...!" Paula brought her foot up...hard.

Ness: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! MY GROIN!!!!!!!!!!!"

"That'll teach you, you pervert!" said Paula, breathing heavily.

Poo performs PSI Lifeup Delta on Ness...Ness's hit points are maxed out. He stands up looking relieved.

"Well, anyway, back to the clothes," said Jeff.

"TO THE DEPARTMENT STORE!!!" yelled Ness, jumping up and down. Several passersby either faint, vomit, or both.

Meanwhile, in a room high atop the Monotoli Building. A secret, evil meeting was taking place.

"Well," said Mr. Monotoli. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," replied a mysterious figure. "I will exact my revenge against Spider-Jeff. Or should I say, Jeff Andonuts."

"Holy cow!" exclaimed Mr. Monotoli. "Jeff is Spider-Jeff? I never would've guessed."

"Right..."

"Anyway, take the suit. With it, you will be able to destroy Spider-Jeff," and with that, both of them start cackling evilly.

We rejoin our heroes exiting the Fourside Dept. Store. This time, no one got kidnapped, and Ness was fully dressed.

"Man, it feels good to be dressed," said Ness.

"To be honest," said Poo. "Your naked body was starting to disturb me."

Suddenly, Jeff got a weird feeling. "My Spider Sense is tingling," he thought. He runs off, screaming that he has too use the bathroom.

The others just stared after him until they heard a crash behind them. They turned around to see on odd person dressed in a skeletal scorpion costume.

"I...am...THE SKELPION!!!!" he says with much evil laughter.

Poo looked confused. "The skelpion?"

"No, The Skelpion, with a capital 'S',"

"Oh," said Ness. "I get it. There was a Spiderman villain named The Scorpion. And in Earthbound, there's a monster that's the skeleton of a scorpion called a Skelpion. This nut case is a guy dressed in a Skelpion outfit."

"YES!" yelled The Skelpion. "I am The Skelpion."

"Yeah, we know..." said Paula.

"SILENCE!!" shouted The Skelpion. He throws a machine at the trio.

"Ahhhhhh!!"

"My PSI powers I can't use them!!"

"Ouchies...!!!"

"Muwahahahahahahahaha!!! Now you don't stand a chance against The Skelpion!!!" yelled The Skelpion.

"Hmm..." mused Poo. "He always speaks in 3rd person. Could it be Floating Skull again?"

(**A/N** Nah, Floating Skull's been here the whole time.

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

See?)

"Oh," said Ness. "I guess it's not him."

"Hahaha!!" laughed The Skelpion. "It's time to die!"

"Wait!" exclaimed Poo. "What's that in the sky?"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's a frog!"

"_A frog?!!_"

"Not bird nor plane nor even frog," said Spider-Jeff. "It's just little old me..." (crashes into a building) "Owww...Underdog."

"Hey, wait a minute," said Paula. "You're not Underdog. You're Spider-Jeff."

"Oh, yeah..." Spider-Jeff clears his throat. "Now, evil doer. Prepare to meet your defeat at the hands of Spider-Jeff!"

"Oh, I'm _soooooooooooooo_ scared," mocked The Skelpion. "Don't you know that scorpions are the natural predators of spiders?"

"Aw, crap."

The Skelpion charges at Spider-Jeff. Spider-Jeff dodges and clings to a wall. From there, he shoots a web that binds The Skelpion's arms to his body. The Skelpion breaks the webbing and fires a burst of acid from his tail. Spider-Jeff was hit and he fell to the ground.

"Hahaha! I've got you now!" cries The Skelpion. He tries to skewer Spider-Jeff with his tail. But Spider-Jeff rolls out of the way.

"Not today, Zurg!!!" yells Spider-Jeff.

The Skelpion stops. "I'm not Zurg, I'm The Skelpion."

"Sorry," apologized Spider-Jeff. "I've been watching too many episodes of _Buzz Lightyear of Star Command_."

"Oh..."

Spider-Jeff jumps and attempts a flying kick at The Skelpion. But before he lands, The Skelpion shoots a strange liquid from his tail. It hits Spider-Jeff, and he falls to the ground once more.

"Ugh!" struggles Spider-Jeff. "I can't move my leg. What was that stuff?"

"Heehee!" giggles The Skelpion. "That was my Stun Juice, patent pending. It makes any part of the body it touches completely numb."

"So that explains why I can't feel my crotch."

"Ew...I didn't need to know that," said The Skelpion. "Just for that, I'll make your death slow and painful."

Ness, Paula, and Poo watch in horror as The Skelpion moves closer to Spider-Jeff, brandishing his tail. Spider-Jeff raises his arms in defense, but knowing that nothing he does will help him now.

**Is this the end of Spider-Jeff? Will his friends ever figure out who he his? And how long will it be before Ness walks around naked again? Find out in the next exciting chapter of Spider-Jeff!**

-

Sorry for the fight scene, I'm not good at them yet.

Ivan: "I'll say, it sucked worse than me trying to reach high places."

Flt. Sk.: "For once, Floating Skull agrees with the tiny one."

Ivan: "TINY?!! I'll show you tiny. DESTRUCT RAY!!!"

Flt. Sk.: "Ouchies..."

Ivan, quit blasting Floating Skull.

Ivan: "Sorry..."

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_


	6. The Skelpion, part 2

Sorry about the last chapter, I'm not sure what I was on.

Ivan: I could tell you, but I think you'd hurt me.

Got that right, shorty.

Ivan: SHORTY?! I KEEL YOU NOW!!!!!! TEMPEST!!!!!

(DRX9 remains unaffected)

Ivan: Ghwaa?! But how?!

Special shield, anyway, I'm tired of you and Floating Skull blasting each other, and ME! Now face the wrath of my own special attack. STARDON STRIKER!!

(Crap load of damage dealt to Ivan)

Ivan: Ouchies...

Flt. Sk. Hahahahaha!

Shut up! DRACONIS BLADE!

(Crap load of damage dealt to Floating Skull)

Flt. Sk.: _skuuull_...

Whew! I feel better. Anyway, since I only got one review on my last chapter, I'll tone down the disturbing factor. And I still don't own Earthbound or Spiderman.

-

Chapter 5: The Skelpion, part 2 

Last time, on Spider-Jeff...wait, just read the last chapter. The Skelpion is closing in on Spider-Jeff. It seems as if no one can save him. But, at the last moment, a barrage of star shaped energy hit The Skelpion.

"Argghh!," cried The Skelpion. "What was that?!"

"It was my PSI Starstorm Omega!" said Poo, confidently.

"B-but how...?" stammered The Skelpion. "My device shut down your PSI powers."

"Yes," agreed Poo. "But having trained in Mu, the art of nothingness, I recovered much faster than your average psychic." Having said that, Poo used PSI Teleport Beta to transport the four of them to Ness's room. Apparently, they can do that.

"Man," said Ness. "I can't believe that the great Spider-Jeff is in my room!"

"I know, isn't it amazing!" agreed Poo. Paula, however, takes off Jeff's glasses. Everyone gasped.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Paula. "Spider-Jeff is really Jeff!"

"You'd think we would've spotted that," said Ness.

"Hold on," said Jeff. "How do you recognize me? You've never seen me without my glasses before."

Everyone looked around at each other, than at me, the author, who promptly replied, "Uhhh...random plothole?" Ness and his friends all agreed to this.

"Well, moving on," said Poo, who was using PSI Healing Omega to heal his friends' paralysis. "We have to come up with a way to defeat The Skelpion."

"We?" asked Jeff. "No, I'll do this alone, you guys can help me fight the main bad guy of this story."

"Huh?" said a surprised Ness. "You mean this isn't just a collection of random stories, it actually has a plot? And a real ending? Well, I'll be danged."

(**A/N** Yes, Ness, it does have a plot, NOW SHUDDAP!!!)

Jeff continued, "The only way to end this is with a battle scene, like the one between Dr. Andonuts and Lord Voldemort back in Chapter 2."

"Awww," said Ness's mom adoringly, having apparently entered the room. "That's such a smart plan, have a cookie." She stuffs a cookie into Jeff's mouth and doesn't stop staring at him until he eats it. She then leaves.

"Wait," said Poo. "The fight scene in Chapter 2. Do you mean Chapter 2 as labeled by the author, or Chapter 2 as labeled by FFNet?"

"As labeled by the author," replied Jeff.

"Well, we're not gonna get anything done sitting here," said Paula. She goes to a door and opens it, only to have a large pile of red baseball caps fall down on her. "Holy crap, Ness! You weren't kidding about the caps back in Chapter 3!"

"Which Chapter 3...?" started Ness, but Jeff cut him off.

"We've already been over this. Look, from now on, any chapter referred to will be as labeled by the author," said Jeff irritably.

Jeff and his friends, after sharing pointless conversation involving Fobbys, returned to Fourside to hunt down The Skelpion. After a while, however, they tire, and thus they journey to Jackie's Café for refreshments.

"What'll it be kids?" asked Jackie.

"Excuse me!" said Jeff. "I am no ordinary boy, I am SPIDER-JEFF!!! Only usually I don't spell it in all caps."

"_Man"_, thought Ness. _"That gag about words being in all caps or letters needing to be capitalized is getting old fast."_

"Ok, _Spider-Jeff,_" said Jackie. "What'll it be?"

"Four root beers, please," said Jeff coolly.

"Excuse me, but I would like a cup of chocolate milk, please," requested Poo.

"NO, I ORDERED ROOT BEER, AND THAT'S WHAT YOUR GONNA GET, DANGIT!!!!" screamed Jeff.

_"Having people speak in a all caps and with multiple exclamation points is getting old, too."_

(**A/N** You are aware, of course, that I can read your thoughts, right Ness?)

_"Aw, crap."_

The four sit down at a table and drink their drinks.

"So, Paula," said Ness. "Any chance you and I could get..."

"No," interrupted Paula without a trace of regret.

"Oh well, can't blame a guy for trying."

"Jeff," said Poo. "How is it that you acquired such amazing powers?"

"Oh, that," replied Jeff. "I got bitten on the butt by a radioactive spider who clung to my butt while my dad beat up the creepy Voldemort guy."

"I see...fascinating."

Suddenly, a loud explosion rocked the building. The Chosen rushed outside to find The Skelpion waiting for them.

"Hahaha! Well, Spider-Jeff, come back for more, eh?" sneered The Skelpion.

"Yes, I have. But I think you'll find that I have powers that Spiderman does not," answered Jeff.

"Like what?"

"Like this!" Jeff used his mystical webbing power to create a sword.

"Behold," cried Jeff. "The almighty Spider Sword!"

The Skelpion sighed. "Let's just get this over with."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You engage The Skelpion!

Jeff  
HP 500  
PP 0

Jeff attacks...87 HP of damage to The Skelpion.

The Skelpion shot liquid from his tail...Jeff's body is feeling numb.

Jeff  
HP 500  
PP 0

The Skelpion drives his tail into you...Jeff takes 113 HP of damage.

Jeff can move freely.

Jeff  
HP 387  
PP 0

Jeff fires the Big Bottle Rocket...257 HP of damage to The Skelpion

The Skelpion shoots acid from his tail...

SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!! 

...Jeff takes 332 HP of damage.

Jeff  
HP 55  
PP 0

Jeff takes a Kraken Soup from his pack and eats it...Jeff's Hit Points are maxed out.

The Skelpion charges forward...Jeff takes 392 HP of damage.

Jeff  
HP 108  
PP 0

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That's it!" yelled Jeff. "No more fooling around!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff fires the Multi Bottle Rocket...4538 HP of damage to The Skelpion

The Skelpion became tame.

**YOU WON!**

Jeff gained 38293 exp.

Jeff went to level 87

Guts went up by 7

IQ went up by 5

Oh baby! 

Speed went up by 10

That rocks! 

HP went up by 35

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And now," said Jeff, while panting heavily. "To unmask the villain!" Jeff removes The Skelpion's mask to reveal his true identity. Everyone gasped. "Tony?!!"

"Yes!" cried Tony. "It was me. You've always been everyone's favorite: Dr. Maxwell, The Chess Club, The Science Club, The Tessie-Watchers Club, that cute girl from Block C..."

"Actually, she just wanted me to do her homework."

"That's not the point! The point is, everyone wanted you. And why? Because you're the son of the _famous Dr. Andonuts_. But I stood by your side the whole way, because I thought you were my friend. But I discovered your dark side the night you escaped because you heard some girl calling to you in your dreams to come to Threed. After you jumped the fence, I went upstairs and went to sleep. The next day, at my birthday party, which you missed, by the way, I was told that you, Jeff Andonuts, stole all my Cookies! You know that I love Cookies!"

Jeff was taken aback. "I had no idea it meant so much to you. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. It's not much, but please accept this as my token of apology." Jeff gives a large sack of cookies to Tony.

Tony stares at the cookies, then at Jeff. "I suppose I did go a little overboard. I hope that after I'm released from prison, we can be friends again." And with that, Tony was arrested.

"Wait," said Poo. "I thought only Onett had a police station."

"It does," said Paula. "But this town has a policeman. He stands to the left of the Monotoli building."

"Oh."

Jeff and his friends all return to their respective homes. But a new evil force is heading towards them at incredible speed.

(**A/N** Yes, this is the main bad guy)

Will Spider-Jeff and his friends be able to stop this new menace? What flavor were the cookies that Jeff had? Will any other town ever get a police station? Find out on the next exciting chapter of Spider-Jeff!!!

-

Well, another chapter well done.

Ivan: Well done my foot.

Flt. Sk.: Agreed. This chapter, though lacking the disturbingness of last chapter, still made Floating Skull want to vomit.

First of all, disturbingness isn't a word, and secondly, how can you vomit? You're a skull. A giant, floating, flaming skull, yes; but a skull nonetheless.

Flt. Sk.: Uhhhhh..._Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

Right...


	7. And Now For Something Completely Differe...

Ivan: You can't post this chapter. The Net won't allow it.

Why not?

Flt. Sk.: Because it breaks away from the story line.

No it doesn't. This chapter explains something that happens in the next chapter. It's vital for the fanfic's existence.

Ivan: Whatever.

Flt. Sk.: _Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

Ivan: Why do you keep doing that?

Flt. Sk.: Doing what?

Ivan: Say your name all long like that?

Flt. Sk.: It brings unrivaled pleasure. Puny midget muse should try it. _Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

Ivan: _Ivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!_ Hey, that is fun!

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

_Ivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!_

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

_Ivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!_

DRX9: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

**Chapter 6: And Now For Something Completely Different**

Peter Parker was on his computer in his bedroom reading fanfictions. He came across an unusual one called "Spider-Jeff"

"What is this crap?" yelled Peter. "It makes Spiderman look like a fool. 'Spider Sword'? What is this guy on? What's with the Ness kid? He walks around naked and fears a midget. Then he beats up the midget when it turns out to be a homicidal skull. And in chapter one, they say that Superman is better than me. I'll show them!"

Peter charges downstairs. "Where are you going, Peter?" asks Aunt Mae.

"I'm going to destroy my new arch-nemesis," replied Peter.

"That's nice, dear. While you're out, could you pick up the milk?"

"Yes, Aunt Mae," said Peter sweetly. He puts on his Spiderman costume and swings away.

-Meanwhile, in Metropolis-

Clark Kent is hard at work at the Daily Planet. By which I mean he was goofing off and reading fanfics.

(**A/N** Sorry that I don't stay in the same tense all the time. I just write what feels right.)

"What the!? Why is Superman the one liked by the fat kid? He mocks me in every way possible. To stop it, I must destroy Spiderman!" Clark flies out the window. No one notices because the author doesn't feel like going that deep into it.

Spiderman and Superman meet in an abandoned rock quarry somewhere between New York and Metropolis.

"I'll show you that you're not better than me!" shouts Spiderman.

"You're no match for me, you arachnid fool!" replied Superman.

Superman flies in to punch Spiderman, but he dodges and wraps Superman in webbing. Superman breaks free and blows freezing wind at Spiderman. Spiderman is hit but his spider strength keeps him from freezing. Superman fires his heat vision at Spiderman. It hits Spiderman just long enough to warm him up. Spiderman jumps up and delivers a punishing blow to Superman at the same time that Superman hit him. They fall into the quarry. A large explosion ensues for some reason.

-The next day-

"Man, this chapter's screwed up!" exclaims Paula.

"I could not agree more," said Poo.

"Hey, you guys ever notice that Poo's personality keeps changing?" asks Jeff. His friends stare at him. "Yeah, I'm the egotistical superhero that doesn't really care. Ness is a stupid coward who gets spurts of bravery every now and then. Paula is homicidal. But Poo changes. He goes from annoyed Bathroom Boy to dignified prince and back again. What's up with that?!!"

His friends were about to respond when their conversation was interrupted by a deafening

**KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!**

**What is this strange explosion? What does this chapter have to do with the price of rice in China? For once, you'll actually find out the on the next exciting chapter of Spider-Jeff!!!**

-

Sorry for this chapter. It does have a purpose, which you'll find out in the next chapter. I just wanted to keep you waiting to find out what the ultimate evil is.

Ivan: I'll tell you what it is. It's carnival rides that you can only ride if you're a certain height.

Flt. Sk.: When puny carnies try to stop Floating Skull, I fry them to crispies.

That's nice, anyway, review if you feel like it, and I'll have the next chapter up soon.

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_

_Ivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!_

DRX9: Oy!


	8. The True Evil

Whoa! It's been way too long since I've updated.

Ivan: I'll say, I've grown a beard. Look at it, it's green!

Flt. Sk.: Floating Skull detects that the fur on midget muse's chin is alive.

Ivan: Huh? What the...WHOA! (Beard flies off and changes into a boy)

Oh, you guys haven't met my newest muse yet. Allow me to introduce to you, Beast Boy from the Teen Titans.

Beast Boy: Whassup!

I'm sorry I haven't updated lately. A lot of stuff has come up. Including new fictions. Also, my computer's screwy, so I had to type this in the Document Manager. So I can't spell check. Sorry in advance.

Ivan: You should just proofread, you lazy bum.

B.B.: Yo! Leave DRX9 alone. You know he's good if he made me a muse.

Flt. Sk.: (Rolls eyes)

B.B.: Dude, how can you roll your eyes. You have, like, empty eye holes.

Flt. Sk.: The correct words are 'eye sockets'. And no one has traveled close enough to Floating Skull to ever find out.

Well, no one seemed to like the last chapter, but you'll meet the big baddie in this one. I think you'll be pleasently surprised. Enjoy!

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!_

-

**Chapter Seven: The True Evil**

Jeff and the others ran over to where the explosion came from. But as they reached the edge of the crater made from aforementioned explosion, a being flew out of it and rammed himself into Ness. As Ness was hurled to the ground, the begin simply floated there in the sky.

"No," said Poo. "It can't be!"

"Pokey?!" everyone cried in unison.

"Not just Pokey," said Pokey. "I am Super-Pokey! I have all the powers of Superman!"

"How did that happen?!" shreeched Jeff.

"Simple," sneered Super-Pokey. "You see, Superman exists in an alternate dimension. He must have been in a powerful explosion. The force of the explosion, combined with his Super energy, caused some of his power to spill over into our dimension. The previous explosion was actually Superman's spilled over powers. Since I just happened to be standing there, I was bathed with it, and thus, I acquired the Super powers. Behold my power!"

Super-Pokey flexed his muscular, and yet somehow still flabby, arms. As he did this, his suit tore off to reveal a Superman outfit. Except instead of an 'S', a large 'P' stood on his chest. Paula screamed.

"What's wrong?!" cried Ness, who had recovered from the blow.

"I just can't stand seeing him in...in..." sputtered Paula.

"In what? In power? In the air? Incognito?" inquired Jeff.

"In Spandex!!!" shouted Puala.

"Oh my gosh!! I just now noticed. He's too fat, I can see his...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGH!!" screamed Poo.

"I'd rather see Ness naked again then too have to view upon that." said Jeff.

"That can be arranged," said Ness proudly as he took off his shirt.

(**A/N** Don't even think about it, Ness)

"Hrrmpph, fine," grumbled Ness. He put his shirt back on.

(**A/N** Whew! That was close)

"If you are done gawking at my body fat," said Super-Pokey. "I have a score to settle with Spider-Jeff."

"We will not let Jeff fight alone," cried Poo. He, Ness, and Paula stood with their weapons drawn, ready to fight.

"How cute, they want to fight." Super-Pokey took a deep breath and exhaled an arctic chill that froze Ness, Paula, and Poo promptly.

"Now it's just you and me, Spider-Jeff!" cried Super-Pokey.

Jeff gritted his teeth and formed the Spider Sword.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Super-Pokey wants to fight.

Jeff  
HP 535  
PP 0

Super-Pokey lunged forward.  
82 HP of damage to Jeff.

Jeff fired the Multi-Bottle Rocket.  
37 HP of damage to Super-Pokey.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Your rockets are no match for me! Give it up!" shouted Super-Pokey.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff  
HP 453  
PP 0

Super-Pokey's eyes brimmed with heat.  
Super-Pokey fired the heat vision.  
217 HP of damage to Jeff.

Jeff charges forward.  
117 HP of damage to Super-Pokey.

Jeff  
HP 336  
PP 0

Super-Pokey took a deep breath.

Jeff took a Large Pizza from his pack and ate it  
Jeff's Hit Point's are maxed out!

Jeff  
HP 535  
PP 0

Super-Pokey unleashed his Blizzard Breath.  
270 HP of damage to Jeff.  
Jeff was frozen solid.

Jeff is frozen solid.

Jeff  
HP 265  
PP 0

Super-Pokeytried PSI Big Fart Alpha.  
The ice around Jeff melted and he became nauseous.

Jeff is feeling nauseous.  
Jeff takes 100 HP of damage.

Jeff  
HP 165  
PP 0

Super-Pokey tore into you.  
_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!  
_300 HP of damage to Jeff.

Jeff took a Secret Herb from his pack and ate it.  
Jeff got over his nausea.

Jeff  
HP 1  
PP 0

Super-Pokey took a deep breath.

Jeff took a Kraken's Soup from his pack and ate it.  
Jeff's Hit Points are maxed out!

Jeff  
HP 535  
PP 0

Super-Pokey unleashed his Blizzard Breath.  
Jeffis unaffected.

Jeff used Counter-PSI Unit.  
Super-Pokey is unable to concentrate.

Jeff  
HP 535  
PP 0

Super-Pokey tried PSI Big Fart Alpha.  
But it failed.

Jeff slashed with the Spider Sword.  
_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!_  
768 HP of damage to Super-Pokey.

Super-Pokey was defeated.

**YOU WON!**

Jeff gains 566386764 exp.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"N...n...no, this isn't possible," gasped Super-Pokey.

"Of course it is," said Ness, who had thawed out along with Paula and Poo. "The good guys always win."

"Wow, I can't believe Pokey only had 922 Hit Points," mused Paula.

Super-Pokey stared for a minute, then began cackling madly. The Chosen watched him carefully, bracing themselves for an attack.

"I thought this might happen," said Super-Pokey softly, almost to himself. "So I brought along an old friend."

Super-Pokey took a small device out from a pocket and pressed a button. Within a minute, Super-Pokey's old Spider-Mech had appeared.

"You know what they say, one good spider deserves another," sneered Super-Pokey as he boarded the Mech. "Now, prepare to meet your ultimate devastation!"

The Chosen, not knowing if they could win, prepared for battle. But who knows how they can defeat Super-Pokey.

**Will The Chosen survive? What new powers will Super-Pokey utilize? And why was Ness so eager to strip naked? Find out on the next exciting chapter of Spider-Jeff!**

-

Man, this is fun.

B.B.: I love it! Especially when Pokey farted!

Ivan: Suck-up.

B.B.: You wanna see a suck-up? This is a suck-up! (Changes into Kirby and inhales Ivan).

Flt. Sk.: At last! The puny midget muse is silent! Floating Skull never believed that he would be thankful to green changling.

B.B.: (tries to talk with mouth full) fsffmsmfmsmfm

Flt. Sk.: What?

He said, 'You're welcome, dude". Anyway, if my fanbase still exists, feel free to review.

By the way, to Cammie Jensen, what did you mean by, 'Paula should be MJ'? I'm confused by it.

Flt. Sk.: DragonRaiderX9 is confused by everthing.

Shut up! Anyway, this fic will last for two more chapters. I'll try and have them posted soon.

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!!!_


	9. The Final Battle

I'm sorry for the slow updates, I've been kinda busy. Did no one like my last chapter? I know there was less humor in it than before, but we all knew that battles like these would happen.

Flt. Sk.: Cease the dialogue, Floating Skull senses that no one cares about this fic. That's why only your puny friend DC3000 reviews now.

Maybe, but come on, I'm trying!

Ivan: Yeah, trying to get on everyone's nerves.

Why you…!

B.B.: He's right, dude. You've been putting off this chapter because you know it won't be fun to write. That's, like, totally uncool.

…I guess you guys are right. Okay, if anyone's still reading this fic, I want to say, I'm sorry. I'll try and update more on all my fictions. Enough of this mushy crap. LET THE STORY BEGIN!

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!_

**Chapter 8 The Final Battle**

"Well, what are we waiting for?" shouted Ness. "Let's get it on!"

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey wants to fight.

* * *

Ness tried PSI Rockin Omega  
300 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey.

Paula tried PSI Shield Omega  
Everyone was covered with a shield of light.

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey tried PSI Big Fart Omega  
PSI Big Fart Omega was reflected by the Psychic Power Shield  
Heavily Armed Super-Pokey is unaffected.

Jeff slashed with the Spider Sword  
57 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Poo tried PSI Starstorm Omega  
255 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

-

Ness tried PSI Flash Omega  
Heavily Armed Super-Pokey cannot stop crying.

Paula tried PSI Fire Omega  
137 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey charged forward  
_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!  
_627 HP of damage to Paula  
Paula got hurt and collapsed

Jeff fired the Multi Bottle Rocket  
97 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Poo charged forward  
65 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

* * *

"Paula!" screamed Ness. "Noooooooooooooooo!" 

"Guys," exclaimed Jeff. "I think I know how to beat him. It's extremely corny, but no worse than the Spider Sword."

"I'll say," agreed Poo. "That thing is just stupid."

Jeff ignored him. "I'll need a few minutes to prepare it. Can you guys hold him off?"

Ness narrowed his eyes. "Try and stop me," he whispered in a low, serious voice rarely heard by Ness. Ever. No, seriously.

* * *

Ness charged forward  
_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!_  
9999 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey took out a Refreshing Herb and ate it  
Heavily Armed Super-Pokey stopped crying

Poo tried PSI Heal Omega  
Paula's Hit Points are maxed out!

-

Ness charged forward  
37 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Paula tried PSI Offensive Up Omega  
The team's offensive went up!

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey fired a barrage of missiles  
999 HP of damage to Ness  
999 HP of damage to Paula  
999 HP of damage to Poo

By some miracle, they survived with 1 HP each.

Poo charged forward  
narrowly missing hitting the target

Suddenly, Jeff ran back to the battle.

* * *

"Now, you evil fiend. See what happens when I combine science with spider powers!"

* * *

Jeff fired the Multi Spider Rocket  
9999999999999999999999 HP of damage to Heavily Armed Super-Pokey

Heavily Armed Super-Pokey was defeated.

**YOU WON!**

Ness and his friends gained a freaking crap load of EXP

Everyone gained a level and everything went up except for Jeff's PP.

* * *

"No!" shouted Super-Pokey, his Spider Mech in ruins. "This isn't over! I will return!" Super-Pokey flew off to parts unknown. He later became trapped in a temple made of Kryptonite with no one to talk to except for Mr. Carpainter and a Mr. Saturn, but that's another story. 

"Paula," said Ness. "I'm so glad you're alright."

"Yeah, thanks," replied Paula.

"Oh, oh, does this mean you two are getting back together?" inquired Jeff.

"As if! No way I'm ever going back out with him!" exclaimed Paula.

"But why not?" whined Ness with tears forming in his eyes.

"For one thing, you walk around naked without realizing it. Remember our date to Restaurant Summers?"

"Oh yeah," chuckled Poo. "That was priceless."

"Can it, Bathroom Boy," growled Ness. Then he smiled, "Hey wait, I made a funny. _Can_ it. Get it, can? Like a toilet!"

"Yeah," said Jeff cynically. "We got it."

"And consider this," continued Paula. "When your hat was destroyed in Chapter 3, you went into Frenzy Mode and KO'd Floating Skull. When I was knocked out, you just got a _SMASH_ing hit."

Ness looked down in shame. But then, he started laughing. His friends were bewildered.

"Ness, are you ok?" asked Jeff.

"Earilier, it said," gasped Ness between laughs. "That everything went up except for Jeff's PP! Hahahahaha!"

"……I don't get it," said Paula.

"Nor do I," agreed Poo.

"Ness, what are you talking about?" asked Jeff.

Ness suddenly stopped laughing. "Come to think of it, I have no idea."

Jeff sighed. "Oh well, let's get ice cream!"

And thus, Spider-Jeff defeated his foe and peace was restored. And Ness later realized that he was allergic to Rocky Road. No one cared. But will this peace last? Find out in Spider-Jeff 2: Marvel Idiots.

* * *

Spider-Jeff…Spider-Jeff,  
Does whatever a spider can,  
Spins a web…any size,  
Catches thieves…just like flies,  
Look out!  
Here comes the Spider-Jeff! 

Is he strong?…Listen bud,  
He's got radioactive blood,  
Can he swing…from a thread?  
Take a look…overhead,  
Hey there!  
There goes the Spider-Jeff!

In the chill of night,  
At the scene of the crime,  
Like a stream of light,  
He arrives just in time!

Spider-Jeff…Spider-Jeff,  
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Jeff,  
Wealth and fame…he's ignored,  
Action is…his reward,  
To him…!  
Life is a great big bang up,  
Wherever there's a hang up,  
You'll find the Spider-Jeff!

* * *

After the ice cream, Ness went home. He had just entered his house when the phone started ringing. Ness picked it up. 

"Hello, Ness? It's your father. I've deposited a freaking crap load of money in your account since you last called, but I blew it all in Vegas. Anyway, you have 383569257927 points of EXP left before the next level. Your dear old dad is thinking you should turn it for the night. What do you say?

Continue **End**

"Well we certainly make a great team, don't we? You should probably turn the POWER off instead of just hitting RESET."

**EARTHBOUND **

"Damn it! You hit RESET didn't you? I told you to turn the POWER off. Oh, you are SO in for it when I get home. I'm gonna teach you a…hey! Are you listening? Because if you're not then…"

_click_

**THE END**

It's over. My first fic…it's over.

Ivan: Didn't you say that there would be another chapter after this?

Yeah, but I decided to hurry up and finish it.

Flt. Sk.: DRX9's story was stupid, inane, ridiculous, and completely lacking of humor.

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

Flt. Sk.: ……

B. B.: It was OK. Would've been better with me in it.

Yeah, whatever. Anyway, this is the end. Please, someone review. It would make my day, seriously. Come on, don't make me get Floating Skull to devour your soul.

Flt. Sk.: (grins maliciously)

Well, I'll start Spider-Jeff 2 after I do some work on some of my other fics. Check 'em out, and review on those too. Until then, this is DragonRaiderX9 saying sayonara.

B. B.: Saya what?

_Floating Skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!_


End file.
